New Beginnings
This is a really hard thing for me to do as I don’t tend to put my private stuff in the public field, especially when it comes to my faith. But, in the hope my story/testimony can help even just one person, I am going to take the leap and share my journey. There are so many blessings and hardships we all go through all the time, but this year seemed to be significant for me.
This is my journey. Any person or people who I may discuss in my telling of my walk this year is not intended to be disparaging to them. There are lessons in how we interpret interactions with people based on reality and based on our old stories that aren’t actually helpful, nor give a true picture. And, the truth is, everyone is doing the best they can with what they have in every given moment, and there should, eventually, be grace in that. Just as I hope grace is extended when I am not working as my best self. This doesn’t mean every situation is forgivable, especially in the moment, and that everyone deserves grace with all the atrocities that can happen. But, in my case, what has happened in the past, I’ve been able to forgive and move forward, as I hope I’ve been forgiven, as I know I have made mistakes.
Every month or so, I will share significant parts of my journey that changed my life. I chose to wait until I had enough perspective to take a 10,000-foot view, where I had no bitterness, resentment or hurt that would cloud the lesson of the time I spent.
I have the countenance of an introvert and empath, learned behavior of sweeping things under the rug, and in the past have been one who tries to rush in, lend any support I can, and fix the problems in hopes that everyone is happy and safe, with little regard for myself. I have lived my life holding on to things that were self-destructive and detrimental to my own well-being and allowed people to treat me in ways that I would never have allowed anyone to treat anyone else. These are all my choices and ways I coped and dealt with life as I matured and walked through life. I had hardships just like everyone else, I was sexually abused by a cousin when I was in elementary school, I felt like I was an outcast and a burden because I was so sensitive to everything, so socially awkward, and sad to say this wasn’t my first rodeo with divorce and loss of amazing friendships. I was absolutely not made to grow up in a small farming town where you must have a thick skin to walk through that life. Although, I would not have changed where and how I grew up. I got to grow up knowing both sets of grandparents, it’s where I learned the importance of community, how to scrape/claw to get where you need to be, and was the beginning of the thick skin and backbone I’ve developed slower than most.
So, this brings us to present day. This year’s journey of upheaval and healing began with a blessing of being able to celebrate 20 years of being in a profession that has never felt like work. Getting to celebrate with those who were able to attend spanned the whole 20 years of my practice. I had so much help with the set up, running of the afternoon activities, and clean up as I got to visit with old and new clients and friends.
What very few people knew at the time was that I was losing the 2 very best friends I had in the world at the time. My new husband and my friend that had walked with me on my spiritual journey for the past few years. My husband was battling a demon that I didn’t and will never understand fully and despite multiple attempts of us trying to figure it out, and my physical health was on a downward spiral, the tough decision was made to end our brief marriage. My past experience told me there was nothing I could do to help, say or change what was happening, and the promises that were made were not being, and were not going to be able to be carried out. The shame I felt in not being able to carry out a very serious promise I made with God as my witness was profound.
As far as my friend goes, to be honest, I’m not really sure what happened to the friendship with my spiritual walk friend. We had had a disagreement that I thought we talked about and cleared up, but I never heard from her again in any meaningful way after the day of the work celebration.
But, what I did have, were my small group friends and a pastor from my church, friends, my aunts and cousin, who held me up as I struggled through what everyone knows who has been through divorces and other devastating situations. And I don’t understand how God works, but I was able to walk with another member of my small group that was walking through a very similar situation. Not that I would ever wish the same pain on someone else, what a blessing to be able to have someone to walk with at the same time.
After I moved out of my husband’s home, my good friends let me stay in a room in their home while I figured out my next steps. As I sat on the bed that first night, I prayed, “God, this is a hot trash mess. You “say” you make beauty from ashes. I have no idea how that’s even possible, but I trust you.” And that is where I began my year (and some) of total surrender.
I was blessed by some other friends with a house I rented for the few months I had before my next move that overlooked the Spokane River. What a respite with beautiful views, deer that visited often and quiet peace where I could begin healing working through the unknowns.
The divorce was final the 3rd week of January and it just happened that my church was doing baptisms the last Sunday of January. I’d felt lead to take that step when it was announced weeks prior, before it was decided we would complete the divorce filing. Since I grew up Catholic, I had been baptized as an infant, and I know my Catholic friends and family will not understand this, but I’d never officially made the choice for myself. This was one of the most healing things I have ever done. I don’t know what to expect, but I was blown away. I was changed in ways I can’t even begin to explain, even now. And what great timing… for a new beginning.